At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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