Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
