my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
