Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
