great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We need to get me chipped asap
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