she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
