Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
