Define "chronic" masturbator.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
