Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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