you didnt know i had herpes?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
