so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
