I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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