Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
