wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We talked him into tasing himself.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
