someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
