Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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