covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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