I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Please don't give away my fajitas
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
