You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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