watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize