I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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