And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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