my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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