im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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