I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
