I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
