textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
as a side note pls kill me
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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