I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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