you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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