At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
