Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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