Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
