She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Please don't give away my fajitas
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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