Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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