It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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