Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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