if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
