I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
