You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
