I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
