I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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