Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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