i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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