Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
be right there i have to get my cape
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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