Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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