There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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