yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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