I can tuck mytits in my pants
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
