Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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