I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
