yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
In other news, I just burned my penis
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
