just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
