he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just gargled with NyQuil
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
we should paint friendship bongs
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