idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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