she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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