i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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