I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
