Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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