I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
