Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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