omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize