drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
