I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
