Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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